Hello, there!

Well, hello!

It is nice to see you back here, and to be honest, it is good to be in this space. I am currently fulfilling a bachelorette weekend, as the mister is out of town. Dinner consists of wine and whatever is in the fridge (whole foods brussels sprouts make the list here) and today was also tax-free shopping day!

...basically, the rest of the nation (looking at you, Oregon) has to have one day of tax free where other states get it all the time! I do not miss Oregon shopping and today I was reminded of home! I bought five pairs of shoes today for a collective $30, was able to get the rest of the gear I needed for our upcoming trip, and also treated myself to a jacket I've been lusting after for the past few months! All in all, it was a good trip.

So, the topic at hand today is probably a burning question in your mind. Here's the deal. It has been so long since I've put anything on paper I am just going to sum up the year as best as I can. After I do that, we will see where we are at.

I quit writing regularly after I quit Whole30. Life got in the way, I was busy, I didn't have anything of substance to write...the list of excuses goes on and on. I finally realized that I just have to bite the bullet and  move on. Count the past as past and keep going, as slow as it may be. Here I am, months later, writing about my life.

Let's start with January.
      In January, nothing of note happened that I remember. We had just returned from a trip to Vegas, demolition was starting on our house, and we were living in an apartment. The NBA season was rough, and we were down a million players at this point. Little did we know what a push it would be to get to the end. I was busy writing IEPs and the mister was busy slangin those contracts for the boys in blue we have grown to love. I regrew four orchids, attempted to love my job (failed), and started suffering from terrible migraines. January was a rough month! We were frustrated about our living situation (three months into paying a mortgage and rent), the basketball season, and our lack of THINGS that we had in our apartment. Who packs all the DVDs for storage and moves the DVD player into the apartment? We do.



February...
      In February, we celebrated a LOT of love! We had Valentine's Day (which was during the trade deadline, so M worked and I celebrated), and a week later we celebrated our anniversary. I got him these neat cufflinks of the coordinates of our first date: the Ambassador Hotel in Wichita, Kansas! I got flowers and gorgeous earrings and we had a beautiful dinner. We were still watching our team struggle through the regular season and our contractors renovate our house. Fortunately, I found some really great friends in my yoga community and was happy to drive the three minutes from our apartment to get my hour of balance on. That's the one thing I miss about our little apartment! I also interviewed with an organization I now work for here in OKC. I was greeted into the interview with a sense of hope and could not wait to get a call back!

March! 
       March brought a lot of change. Our house was looking pretty close to move-in ready, I joined the Junior League, and we were startled awake every morning by the construction across the street from our apartment. One day, it was 5:45am. I was so irate I called the guy in Texas to tell him to do something about the project he was managing. I was successful! I think M traveled a bit in March (I don't remember) and I was looking forward to the school year ending! We also ended the month close to a playoff bid - with the whole city sitting on the edge of their seats, it seemed. I got into grad school for social work, and it felt like the world was infinite.

April....

      April brought strep throat plus two ear infections, a week and a half in a hotel, moving into a new house that was unfinished, and a test to our relationship. I started the tattoo removal process, realized it hurt like childbirth, and we found that the Thunder did not make the playoffs. It was a quiet month in the grand scheme of things. Living amid a renovation taught us patience, communication and that we totally have different views on how to navigate the stress that comes with living in a construction site. We were sharing our house with our contractors until 11 some nights, and it was hard work. We were so grateful for the late nights, and at least now it is easier to look back fondly on the renovation. I received a call from the place I interviewed with in February, and was offered a job to teach pre-kindergarten to kids with cognitive and developmental delays. I immediately said yes! I also paid off my car over a year early! Wahoo!


May. May may may may mayyyyyy. School got out! Best month ever! But really, I enjoyed the fact that I never had to return to public school, and was looking forward to summer school before I transitioned to my new job. It was a relatively quiet month for us - with no playoffs, we watched the games at home, and hung out together for most of the nights, unpacking and figuring out how to navigate the dust that was all over the place while construction still happened. M's sister came to visit, and I got accosted by kids from my hometown - all in jest. I also read 100 Years of Solitude. Great read! I was also lucky enough to celebrate my year of health - a lot of you have been on this journey with me since the early days and I went a whole year without a relapse, which felt really great, and I have Whole30 to thank for starting me on the path to success.


June! My birthday month! In June, I obviously celebrated my birth (M made me dinner), practiced outdoor and indoor yoga, swam a ton in our pool, visited a brand new baby in the hospital, lived without internet, and started summer school. I also got to celebrate the birth of my sister! I loved June (always do), but this year was amazing because I wasn't moving for once, wasn't waiting to see what I was going to do about work, and I was ready to move on with my life! I love that feeling and it really was a great month. I met some new people and started to come into my own a year after being in the city. Knowing that we are going to be here for a minute or two longer is really helpful to my goals, and where I want to be, along with our long term plan for life. The draft happened, and I meticulously chose my players for the Thunder. Although none of mine got chosen (looking at you, Rakeem Christmas), I was a lot better at choosing potential players this year than I was the year before!

July...
In July I brought home a puppy, ended my contract with OKCPS, started my new job, booked a vacation (for next week!) and went to a blackberry festival in redneckville oklahoma. I got another laser removal and my feet blistered like crazy. July brought hope and peace into my life and a sense of purpose. Well, until I got strep throat for the second time in 3 months....







And now, it's August. It all happened so fast! We are heading to Colorado Springs in 8 days for a much needed vacation, I got one more laser removal under my belt (and my feet look like they went through a wood chipper), I still love my job and I've been reading and yoga-ing and working out like crazy. Finding a work balance has been the name of the game this month, and psh, 8 days in, I've mastered the art of juggling a 9-6 job, working out and finding time for ME.

Namaste, Friends! 

day 17 or bust.

I'm three days away from 20! That's weird, considering it felt like forever 8 days ago.

Today, I made dinner! It is technically "clean out yo fridge" week up in here, and my meals are getting a little wiggity-whack. Breakfast, per usual was a sweet potato/egg combo (and seriously, not going to show that since I eat out of tupperwares 90% of the day) that I inhaled when my students were eating breakfast. I will never be a slow eater. It's the curse of being a teacher - we eat in 10 minutes or less out of pure necessity. If it takes me 15 minutes to eat something, it must be really chewy. Note: I hate chewing. 

Lunch was chicken that I quickly just pan sauteed today while I was getting ready for work (before I was verbally assaulted by my loving neighbor) with a salad, the rest of my bacondates and some cherries.
I lost track of time in between 4 and 8, but I committed to eating dinner tonight. I realized that I don't really like eating dinner. I'd rather eat 2 big meals and a small snack at night than 3 meals. It's at least ... food for thought! hah! Pun intended. 

Anyway, for dinner I had...drumroll please....Trader Joe's pork belly, roasted asparagus, raw red pepper and butternut squash. Simple, easy, quick to make and delicious in my belly. Doesn't that look glorious? I can't imagine the things it would make me do with a fancy camera. This was too much goodness for one plate. I'm super full, and so happy that I finally sat down for a meal. I'm not sold on this whole dinner-as-a-meal business, but I'll look into it. I have some brussels sprouts that need attention by tomorrow or I'll have to throw them out.

Today's noteworthy moments:
I felt really good. No tiger blood, but I didn't nap after work! I am trying to wean myself off naps, but sometimes they are just too tempting. I also was able to curb my hunger and didn't snack between meals today. That's a big accomplishment so yay! See you tomorrow for day 18!

dinner: the hardest meal.

Day 16 is down in the books, folks!
(What does that even mean? What proverbial book is all this info kept in? #bigassbook)

Regardless, let's get the party started.
Day 16 is over and done, 
and Whole30 dinners are no fun. 
I wanted to make this little rhyme
to show that I can pass the time
...thinking about food. 

Now that I have a proper intro, I have about 4 things to say about dinners.

1. I can't bring myself to eat dinner, not in the whole meal sit down type of way.

2. I'm pretty sure my body is adjusting - I'm starving in the am, sometimes before lunch, and then nothing at dinner. I don't get hungry until around 8 and that is just too late for me to eat considering my bedtime.

3. I have all the  goodies to make a delicious dinner, it's all prepped...but I just don't have the drive. My energy is zapped.

4. After school I took a 2.5 hour nap. I'm preparing to go to sleep after this post. There's no time for dinner when I'm busy sleeping! Why am I so tired (beside the obvious reason that I am recovering from a sickness)!?

5. No snacks are for squares (not dinner related, sue me).

I'm also obsessed with bacondates, sweet potatoes and eggs. The people that cannot stand eggs by day 10 crack me up. I've been eating the same breakfast (usually hard boiled eggs) for at least a year now - what's thirty days AND I get to add sweet potatoes! This is a win-win.

What I'm noticing the most...
This is a total mindset change. I feel funny talking about this but bear with me. I have spent the last, oh, 10 years talking about food, weighing food, tracking the food I eat, making sure I'm within the realm of "healthy" so when it came to Whole30 and the rules are to listen to your body, eat right and not weigh yourself I thought for SURE I would balloon, that this wouldn't work for me. Yes, my body took more time to figure out what it was doing in regards to breaking down food and digesting but after the first hurdle, I've seriously been through a lot of change. I want to be clear - I have stepped on the scale and the number has stayed the same. I haven't done anything crazy there, like lose 40 pounds and not have diabetes, but I feel different. I can tell that I'm not bloated, that I've lost inches and that I can be a little less self-aware in what I'm wearing. Do I love the way I look? Of course not. Do I feel a bit more comfortable than I did 16 days ago? Definitely so. I think that the mindset is all relative, but that health is health. When we are healthy, we feel better about ourselves, when we feel better about ourselves we are our BEST selves. I'm just now finding my best self and I am so happy about that. It has been a long journey to KC and I feel like I'm finally finding my feet below me. It's been such a year, and I am so blessed to have come out on top. All sappiness aside, I do feel like the next 13 days will go by so quickly! Stick with me, and hopefully we will even have some fabulous dinners come out of this.

13? Already?

This can't be right! Have I already arrived at and completed Day 13? 

Why yes, dear readers, I have. 

Here I am, alive and ready to tell today's tale. It starts with a young twenty something (six) year old opening her eyes at 6:50, deciding it was too much work to get up and promptly rolling over. 

It starts, yet again, at 10:30 (much more appropriate for a Saturday) when I open my eyes for the second time. I roll over, go to rub my eyes and feel like I got punched in the left one.  My throat feels like I've swallowed nails, my body aches and I can't tell if I'm hot or cold - just that I'm not well. Being sick is the worst, and I'm almost positive I don't have strep, but a weird strand of the common cold. Rude. 

I digress. Besides dealing with THAT, I'm also trying to move into a different apartment in a week, and trying to be proactive about packing. This means that I need to start the process YESTERDAY to be ready to move next weekend. Am I ready? No. This sickness has brought down every ounce of will I ever had to be a productive human being. At least I will now rest easy knowing that I will, yet again, look like a fool on moving day. Maybe inspiration will strike and I'll get all my moving done during the week..or maybe I'll continue napping and forget about that plan altogether. Time will tell, so stay tuned. 

Anyway, I feel super under the weather today. I hardly have the energy to move from bed to couch, and my eyes are tired and droopy. Against better judgment, I tried to push through it most the morning. You know where that got me? On the couch, exhausted and tired at 2 pm. Not even worth it. In the process of pushing through my sickness, I wandered around my apartment trying to figure out where exactly to get started when it came to packing. My goal is to pack most things I won't need all week, so when the time comes, all I have to do is pack up the last little pieces and call it good. This is the HOPE and GOAL. I did manage to pack up all of my cupboards minus my pyrex dishes and tupperware in my kitchen today which is a huge accomplishment. 

If you've spent any time with me ever, you know that the best place to find me is either in bed napping or in my kitchen. I posted this on instagram today, after realizing what exactly I had to pack - apparently my baking has been put on hold while I finish this W30. Fine with me, but I do miss finding ways to make my kitchen come alive in the interim. Sweet potatoes only excite me for so long. I couldn't believe that just 4 things of sugar and 3 things of flour was 30 pounds of pure nothing. Pure nothing that I would willingly make into something else before I started this process. I'm not saying that after W30 I plan to never bake again, but after realizing that most things we need are whole foods, I don't plan on buying any more flour or sugar that isn't...enriched, bleached, etc. End rant. Now just to perfect my pinterest pages until I run out of these ingredients! I need guinea pigs! Willing volunteers, please let me know. :]

Nothing new on the W30 front today - just hanging out, forcing myself to eat and drink a ton of water. We will see what happens in the back half of the W30! Hoping for some positive change in the next few weeks. Also looking forward to that glass of wine on day 31. 

orange is the new black.

Do you think if I eat too many sweet potatoes, I'll turn orange like people do with carrots? 

I hope not. 

This post has nothing to do with the TV show..sorry in advance. But since I got you here, please, keep reading! Let's have a real-life chat about Whole30. Let's just go there, and do it. 

Let's start at the timeline and see where the winds take us. Please keep in mind that I'm quarantined for the next 24 hours as I really DO have strep throat and I have talked to almost everyone I can possibly think of that will text or call me back. So...timeline, Day 12.

Days 12-15: Boundless energy! Now give me a damn Twinkie.

Hurray! The slump is over! Your pants fit again! Your energy levels are better than normal – you’re downright Tigger the bouncing tiger! But something weird is happening. You’re dreaming. Not crazy nightmare or strange surrealist dreams, either. Incredibly normal and realistic dreams – about donuts. Or Twinkies. Or Snickers.* In your mind, sometimes you get caught and feel guilty. Sometimes you just brazenly eat the contraband. But then, the feelings start following you into the waking hours. Suddenly, you’re craving things you don’t even like. (For me, it’s Diet Coke and Twinkies, for Melissa Hartwig, it was fast-food cheeseburgers!) Your co-workers’ heads transform into giant Girl Scout Cookies as you gaze on in disbelief. Seriously, you’ve almost hit the halfway mark, and now this?!

All joking aside, though, this phase gets really intense and for some people. This is the part of the program where our minds try to drive us back to the comfort of the foods we used to know. Our food relationships are deeply rooted and strongly reinforced throughout the course of our lives and breaking through them is really big deal. Journaling can be especially enlightening and helpful during this phase, and helpful for reflection later. Take some time to jot down what you’re craving, how you’re feeling and what tools you’re using to work through the cravings.

- See more here!

Okay people. I've had the cravings, I've had the dreams. None of that is happening right now. I've neglected to put on pants for fear that nothing has happened to me so I can't tell you if those fit or not. I have strep throat, so my energy levels are less than 12, and I haven't worked out on Whole30 because I've been so exhausted. It's actually been, a PHYSICAL nightmare more than emotional.  Don't get me wrong, I'm emotionally attached to food, but I find that emotional detachment works with whatever you apply it to. In this case, I applied it to the foods I liked and I figured out a way to not miss them so much. I still have Gatorade in my fridge, along with Dijon mustard, beer (thanks, Lindsay) and various wines, but I haven't thought of opening them, downing them, or found myself wandering to the kitchen while I should be sleeping. To be frank, I feel adjusted more or less. 

What concerns me is the lack of physical benefits I'm noticing. Since I haven't put on pants it kind of is hard to tell, but I don't think things are fitting better, and I got weighed at the doctors office and the scale hasn't budged (and don't tell me that the scale isn't the be all end all. Old habits die hard). I'm mad. I'm not sleeping better except for that one day which proved to be an anomaly, I don't feel better and I just feel like now I'm stuck in this weird food rut which is only changed from my regular food ruts by about four things. I just can't win. I know I'll feel better and less defeated in a few days, but I would really like to know when I start to feel amazing, start to feel awesome. I'd like to mention here that this is more than a weight thing-  I've been reading a lot of blogs and it seems like everyone is like, "my skin is clear! I am so full of energy! I love my life!" Umm I haven't cheated ONE TIME and I feel like hell, my skin never looked gross and I have zero energy and spend a lot of time napping. Someone please problem solve my life for me. 

Right now, it would be very easy to quit Whole30 and never look back; say it never worked for me. I can't rightfully do that until I go through the whole thing so....18 days to go. 

ho hum. day 11.

It's naptime again, and today I forgot my book. Feel free to stop reading now! But seriously, I've gotten a lot of feedback from you, readers, and I am humbled that you take the time to read about my life and my adventures with Whole30. I appreciate each and every one of you! Today has been a wonderful day when it comes to my personal life and goals, but when it comes to Whole30, I'm definitely in the rut. Let's start with the timeline, shall we?

Days 10-11: The Hardest Days.
Fact: you are most likely to quit your Whole30 program on Day 10 or 11. By this point, the newness of the program has worn off. You’ve made it through most of the unpleasant physical milestones, but you’ve yet to experience any of the “magic” the program promises. You’re still struggling to establish your new routine (read: you’ve eaten eggs prepared ten different ways over the last ten days), and while you’ve been trying really hard to have a good attitude, today you are incredibly aware of all the foods you’re “choosing not to eat right now.”  Everywhere you look, you see the things you “can’t” have: the melted cheese on a greasy burger, the creaminess of that double-scoop cone, the cold beer in your best friend’s tailgate cooler. Dammit, this is hard! And right now you’re wondering if the results will really be as good as “they” all say it is.
You’re cranky, you’re impatient, and you’re really, really tempted to just eat the stupid cheese.
This is where you really start to experience the psychological hold that your food habits have on you. You’ve put in a lot of effort to get to where you are right now, but you’re still waiting for the results you’re hoping to see. Your  brain tells you that you deserve some kind of reward (don’t you?) and, of course, we’ve been conditioned to think of food as the best reward out there. Right now, you’re craving that ice cream, beer, or whatever treat you think would make for just the right reward. But, instead of that treat, you’re standing face to face with the realization that you have 20 more days of deprivation ahead of you.
The key here is to redefine your idea of reward.  Think long and hard about the foods you’re grieving and ask yourself what need you’re expecting them to fulfill.  Are you feeling anxious and looking for reassurance?  Are you feeling sad, and looking for something to cheer you up? Are you worried you won’t successfully finish the program, and it’s easier to self-sabotage than fail? Remind yourself that food cannot fill that void for you—cannot make you feel truly accomplished, comforted, calm, happy, beautiful. Then, find another way to fill that need that does not involve those foods. Prepare yourselves for these days, knowing that all you have to do is see them through to the other side before things get much, much easier.
- See more here!

I am pretty sure I yelled at one of my wonderful coworkers after finding a chocolate bar (skinny cow chocolate plus caramel yummmm) in her lunchbox- and yesterday I had sweet potatoes and eggs for breakfast AND dinner. Namely,  I love sweet potatoes, but also because I'm bored with my food choices. I haven't really had any weird food dreams lately, which is nice, but I do find myself just wanting to eat a ton. I am hungry, and I'm not sure if it's because my body is adapting or because I just psychologically want. to. eat. Time will tell, I suppose! I also want a taco. I don't generally like tacos. I blame my chocolate eating coworker, who brought taco salad today (you know who you are...)! 

I'm not craving anything, but I am hungry. I also woke up with a sore throat after not feeling rested this morning. We will see what's going on in the coming days, but so far, I'm holding on strong! ....I'm still waiting for the magic to happen. 


afternoon update on sore throat: almost positive I have strep. Hydrogen peroxide and my couch have been my very best friends. I'd go to the doctor, but who needs modern medicine? I'm not broken! 

PS, I'm trying to be better about pictures, I swear! 

The Dirty Thirty

Besides coming up with clever names for the Whole30, what am I doing? Ummm, dreaming about food. Thank you for asking. 

You guys. I'm so tired. I haven't worked out (is this normal then? Do I need to start pumping some iron?) and I can't even make it through the DAY without a nap. I teach the little ones in the morning and by the time I get home I'm so tired I could just go to bed outright. Does this go away? PLEASE say yes. I should try to work out. I bet I'd fit into this stupid dress (no offense Mad, the cause is not stupid, but the dress is) if I just you know, exercised for a second. Alas, I think I might need a bed WEEK if I do any sort of physical activity. I napped for three hours after school today. I'm still so tired I could go to bed! 

On a completely different note, can I just thank the maker of Larabars personally?! Not only are they delicious, Whole30 approved and actually made with things that expire, I love the price. I went to Target today and found all the boxes on sale! Win! 

I'm afraid to put on pants. I don't know if I'm past the bloating stage yet, or I'm just living there, so I refuse to put pants on. Seems legit, right? I an't figure out what exactly I'm in stage-wise. Today, day 8, says...

Day 8-9: For the love of Gosling, my pants are TIGHTER.

You’ve made it through the Hangover, and managed not to kill ALL the things, and you’re starting to feel like things are back on level ground again.  Then, you put on your pants. They’re just pants, completely normal pants. In fact, they’re the pants you wore just three days ago. (You were too tired to wash them. It’s okay, we understand.) And three days ago, they fit.  But this morning you had to take a big deep breath to get that button where it ought to be.  What gives?!

The same processes that ran over you like a truck a few days ago are still working their magic in your body.  Your body composition is not actually changing for the worse, we assure you. The enzymes that digest your food and the millions of bacteria that live in your gut are adjusting to your new intake of meat and vegetables, and the lack of easy-access sugars.  This is something they do naturally, and these adjustments have contributed to humanity’s ability to flourish throughout our history.  However, these adjustments can be a bit… uncomfortable. Bloating, constipation, diarrhea, or all three may appear as your gut starts to heal, rebalance, and process this new food effectively. The good news is that most people find this phase passes relatively quickly, and their pants are easy to button again within a week or so.

- See more at: http://whole30.com/2013/08/revised-timeline/#sthash.PlqswJIu.dpuf

But...but this was me already! Wait, I just realized that the phase before this is called "I Just Want a Nap" so maybe I am on track. Apparently I won't get my energy back for another, oh, 8 days. Yay me. Until then, you'll find me complaining about how exhausted I am. Kthx. 

There is something, though, that I find very interesting about this. 

I don't care if you never read my blog again, listen here and now. I'm going to tell you to listen like the kid that wants cupcakes.  Seriously, future lawyer.  I am a forever calorie-tracker. They say to not track calories or weigh yourself in your endeavors with Whole30 (sorry, to get in my shower I have to get on the scale); that you know, you're changing your body from the inside so it may not be accurate, etc etc. I believe that, and I've made an effort to not really delve or think much of it while my body sorts itself out. I was, however, curious about how many calories I've eaten on average. I used to eat around 800 a day, exercise and call it good. I never got abs, never felt good about my body, and although I'm not working out now and I'm bloated as eff, I feel better about what and how I'm eating. No lemonheads and wine dinners for this girl anymore. 

Anyway, I plugged in my meals today into livestrong myplate, and something very interesting happened. Just by listening to my body, making sure my plate had on it the things I was feeling like eating (within reason), I hit all my former calorie goals AND fell in the right percentages. I used to beat myself up about needing 6% more protein, less carbs and 2% more fat....now, it seems to come naturally with what I'm eating and that makes me a VERY happy girl. If you haven't started Whole30 yet, do it now. This instant! 

Today's Meals:

1: Sweet Potato, 2 eggs

2: faux-ghetti (zoodles) with chicken sausage and marinara, apple (found that this does NOT hold me over until dinner. not one bit!) 

3. asparagus (roasted), zoodles w. onion (sauteed) and lamb leg with a side of blueberries and raspberries

--because Meal 2 was too small (about 200 calories less than 1 and 3) I ended up eating like a heathen in my car after the grocery store. Snack of choice? Larabar. Although it was a snack, it was still a win! 

Confession...

I never finish anything these days. 

You guys, it is incredibly frustrating. I never commit and finish ANYTHING. My big accomplishment is going to work every day. Let's be honest, that's not a huge thing to be proud of. Most adults actually go to work each day, even if they work when they get there. I'm one of those people that just has lost all sorts of drive I guess, and I need to find that spark that gets me back to who I used to be - the person I enjoy. 

I tried to do that 100 Happy Days project (something I haven't necessarily given up on - it's still a pipe dream) and I made it about 23 days. Woo, big deal. I post IG pictures every day anyway, and I couldn't even finish that? Pathetic.

I was going to yoga for a while. Loved it. Then I missed a day and never went back. I still don't understand why.  

I then decided I was going to do crossfit. I finished the elements class, but Dana and I have yet to go to an actual class because we are too scared to go hang out with all the ripped people in there. Fail. 

I don't even put my dishes in the dishwasher until the day after. Gross. I know that one is a more obvious, normal one, but bear with me. I'm trying to prove a point. 

The point is, if you don't know already, that I have a hard time getting things done. Today, after I realized that I'm just not comfortable in my own skin and with who I am right now, I decided that I have to commit to something in my personal life and stick to it. Something that is good for my health, something that might inspire me and challenge me. Something that I can be proud of that I actually finished. Cue music. 

I'm going to try and do the Whole30 for real this time.

Back in January, I started to do the Whole30 and I was real quiet about it because I didn't want to do it just to do it (same reason I didn't go to nursing school). I didn't want to be part of the crowd that was in it for the resolution (but believe me, I was). In September, I was working out a lot and actually starting to look pretty good - I was okay with what I looked like, what I felt like and knew when I was choosing to eat poorly.

Some days, I come home and I don't know what happens. I just want to eat everything. Although I've stopped baking as much to cut back on temptation, I'm still not doing the best I can and I'm making excuses for myself. I make excuses because I get lazy, and in between the hours of 7 and 9 pm, if I'm not sleeping, I'm looking longingly into my kitchen for something to snack on. Those of you that have been with me through my blogs know that it has been very challenging for me to have a positive relationship with food. I'm hoping, through these thirty days, that I can reset my system, think clearly, not wake up with migraines because I don't have an IV full of coffee, and that I can emerge as a butterfly. Tomorrow marks day 1, and I know it won't be a challenge probably until Tuesday, day 4. Stay tuned, readers. I'm determined to finish this bitch.