the hiatus that lasted almost 30 days.

Readers, did you miss me?

Don't lie. I know you forgot. 

Anyway, like I mentioned over a month ago, I set out to do another Whole30 because my vacation took a toll on my body. Like real bad. Like I gained five  eight pounds of pure food. Yes, I enjoyed my vacation but I came back a bloaty mess - pants didn't fit right, I was uncomfortable in my own skin, etc. Imagine my joy in seeking refuge in Whole30, Round 2.

I was excited, motivated, and ready to see a change in my body. Ready to embrace the idea that I wouldn't get to drink for 30 days, eat anything like ice cream or cake pops or fruity beverages....I was okay with all of that. I was ready. 

And then, it all went downhill. Day Four came around, and I was a huuuuuge you-know-what. I couldn't even look at someone without feeling the urge to kill them. It wasn't the best day, I'll tell you that.

Then Day 16. Tiger Blood? Nope. All I had to show for my midway point was more bloat, less foods I could eat and this overwhelming sense of failure. I had stuck to the rules, stuck to the ideas that I could only eat certain things and was staying mindful in my food choices. I was confused. I couldn't help but to be sad about the lack of change in my body.

Then Day 20. Still bloated.
21. Bloated again.
22. I bet you can guess how I felt.

So now, I'm on Day 29. I don't feel amazing, I don't feel like I have really changed physically, I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. The whole reason I did this the first time was to accomplish something and prove I could do it. Well, I proved it. And a few things this time around were different. Let me list the things I suggest you DON'T DO on a Whole30 for optimal results (and also note that I've extended my Whole30 for another 15 days. Whole45 to make up for all the stupid things I've done thus far).


1. I worked out 4x/week on this round. Last time, I maybe worked out five or six times max; I was less tired this time around which is good, but my body decided to compose my fat elsewhere (which was a little bit rude). This didn't hinder me, per say, but it is a reason I didn't get the same results as my first round.

2. Snacks, snacks, snacks, snacks, snacks, snacks EVERYBODY! I snacked. I knew I wasn't supposed to. With a new work schedule, less time to plan, the old saying rang true: Failing to plan is planning to fail.

3. Fruit in all forms. My fruit intake was MUCH higher this time around and it wasn't until about Day 17 I stopped eating fruit. Within 24 hours, I had noticed a change in a lot of ways: my stomach didn't rumble, I was thirstier (duh), and I got rid of this weird stomachache I had going on.

4. Get depressed. I got really sad when I didn't see the results I wanted. I had to remember that I had to trust the process, that this was bettering myself in all forms, that what I want is a long-term solution to a problem that took me a week to make.

5. DO Surround yourself with people that love you and are willing to go through mood swings, outbursts, moments of vulnerability and when all you want is a cookie, someone to say "no way!" I noticed that I needed a lot of self affirmation during this round, and that I needed someone to also tell me I was doing things right. That I was pretty anyway.


Readers, I still stand behind Whole30 for anyone who wants to try.  That said, don't be an idiot like me. Thanks. :)

what does my tire and my stomach have in common?

Twenty Three, you guys. Twenty. Three. 

Now, I know it's been a few days, but I want to let you know I have NOT fallen off the bandwagon. I've made it, the last few days, even with all the things going on in my life. I'm not going to lie - today I wanted to seriously drink some wine, scotch, disaronno, etc. Anything. Maybe even actual grape juice. I wanted chocolate - but I knew it was coming from my emotions and not my belly. Now, I know that this is only supposed to be about the Whole30, but sometimes I think that we are human and need to talk about our lives. Plus, this life is too crazy to even make up. Let's start with...ummm, well, I don't know. Last night!

So, last night I was driving around OKC, just hanging out, living the dream, driving on 235 South. Let me set the stage: 10:30 pm, it's dark out. A little windy, but no rain in sight. Jake Owen on the radio. The on-ramp I want to take is blocked because of construction. No big, I'll take the detour. I take the detour which, if you ask me, should also be closed for construction. I hit a pothole (or something in the road, it is hard to say in the dark), feel my car jump in the air and skid to a stop. I put the car in park, obviously, and there was this weird grinding noise (more on that later) so I wasn't sure if I was supposed to jump out of my car and check for fire or not. When I got out, and sensed impending doom, I ran over to my right side and saw this:

So...that's not just a flat tire. That's a hot-ass-mess.

I do what any normal being would do - checked my trunk for my spare and my jack. Apparently, I'm the last person to realize that my Kia didn't come with a spare tire. It comes with a bubble-wrapped inflator and a PSI reader. In this situation, I did not have a need for either one of those things.

So, Triple A said they wouldn't bring me a tire, but they would tow my car. Well shoot. I don't know where anything is but OK. Tow my car, let's do it! I'm sitting there just laughing at the irony of this, knowing M is at work late, doing his thang, slanging his players, and I'm over here stranded on the side of the road. Of all days, it has to be the first day of free agency. Good thing I had my taser!

I tow my car to a Firestone and go on my merry way to bed. No big. I go back to my Kia today to give the people my key and they tell me to go home and they'll call me with a prognosis.

Apparently my axel tore out of my transmission. I need a new wheel. The car is undriveable. The wiring has been chewed by dogs. My airbags won't deploy. I don't have a car. All this and I still can't have a glass of wine?! 

To keep this long story from getting out of control, I spend 45 minutes on the phone with my insurance who tells me that if the cost of the car repairs is 60% of my car's worth, it's considered totaled. Right now, I'm hovering very close to that number. Well....we won't count on the total but in my  mind, I just don't know why I would want to put more money into that damn thing. 

So. What does this have to do with Whole30? Well, I realized today that I was driving past places I would never, in the real world, want to eat at. For some reason, Panera, scones at Starbucks, fried chicken (really?!) and soda. I can't even. I realized though, that it was because I was feeling emotional and wanted to curb it. I didn't give in, and instead ate my usual diet of eggs, broccoli, sweet potatoes, veggies, what have you. I am so incredibly thankful for Whole Foods. 

TODAY. Today I had a non-scale victory. I have been feeling a little discouraged with my progress on Whole30 because I haven't lost weight. I know it doesn't happen to everyone, and I also didn't eat terribly beforehand. I have been feeling pretty down on myself and its not like my pants fit any better - I just hate wearing pants anyway. Dresses are much better. I decided to bite the bullet and try on some of my cocktail dresses from college. To be clear: I haven't been able to wear those since college, and even then it was questionable. 

It was a moment for me. A definite victory. It feels really good to know that even if I'm not feeling the best, and even when I can't tell if this is doing anything for me, I can try this on and it'll fit! Yay!

day twenty three, turn down for what?!

orange is the new black.

Do you think if I eat too many sweet potatoes, I'll turn orange like people do with carrots? 

I hope not. 

This post has nothing to do with the TV show..sorry in advance. But since I got you here, please, keep reading! Let's have a real-life chat about Whole30. Let's just go there, and do it. 

Let's start at the timeline and see where the winds take us. Please keep in mind that I'm quarantined for the next 24 hours as I really DO have strep throat and I have talked to almost everyone I can possibly think of that will text or call me back. So...timeline, Day 12.

Days 12-15: Boundless energy! Now give me a damn Twinkie.

Hurray! The slump is over! Your pants fit again! Your energy levels are better than normal – you’re downright Tigger the bouncing tiger! But something weird is happening. You’re dreaming. Not crazy nightmare or strange surrealist dreams, either. Incredibly normal and realistic dreams – about donuts. Or Twinkies. Or Snickers.* In your mind, sometimes you get caught and feel guilty. Sometimes you just brazenly eat the contraband. But then, the feelings start following you into the waking hours. Suddenly, you’re craving things you don’t even like. (For me, it’s Diet Coke and Twinkies, for Melissa Hartwig, it was fast-food cheeseburgers!) Your co-workers’ heads transform into giant Girl Scout Cookies as you gaze on in disbelief. Seriously, you’ve almost hit the halfway mark, and now this?!

All joking aside, though, this phase gets really intense and for some people. This is the part of the program where our minds try to drive us back to the comfort of the foods we used to know. Our food relationships are deeply rooted and strongly reinforced throughout the course of our lives and breaking through them is really big deal. Journaling can be especially enlightening and helpful during this phase, and helpful for reflection later. Take some time to jot down what you’re craving, how you’re feeling and what tools you’re using to work through the cravings.

- See more here!

Okay people. I've had the cravings, I've had the dreams. None of that is happening right now. I've neglected to put on pants for fear that nothing has happened to me so I can't tell you if those fit or not. I have strep throat, so my energy levels are less than 12, and I haven't worked out on Whole30 because I've been so exhausted. It's actually been, a PHYSICAL nightmare more than emotional.  Don't get me wrong, I'm emotionally attached to food, but I find that emotional detachment works with whatever you apply it to. In this case, I applied it to the foods I liked and I figured out a way to not miss them so much. I still have Gatorade in my fridge, along with Dijon mustard, beer (thanks, Lindsay) and various wines, but I haven't thought of opening them, downing them, or found myself wandering to the kitchen while I should be sleeping. To be frank, I feel adjusted more or less. 

What concerns me is the lack of physical benefits I'm noticing. Since I haven't put on pants it kind of is hard to tell, but I don't think things are fitting better, and I got weighed at the doctors office and the scale hasn't budged (and don't tell me that the scale isn't the be all end all. Old habits die hard). I'm mad. I'm not sleeping better except for that one day which proved to be an anomaly, I don't feel better and I just feel like now I'm stuck in this weird food rut which is only changed from my regular food ruts by about four things. I just can't win. I know I'll feel better and less defeated in a few days, but I would really like to know when I start to feel amazing, start to feel awesome. I'd like to mention here that this is more than a weight thing-  I've been reading a lot of blogs and it seems like everyone is like, "my skin is clear! I am so full of energy! I love my life!" Umm I haven't cheated ONE TIME and I feel like hell, my skin never looked gross and I have zero energy and spend a lot of time napping. Someone please problem solve my life for me. 

Right now, it would be very easy to quit Whole30 and never look back; say it never worked for me. I can't rightfully do that until I go through the whole thing so....18 days to go. 

ONE THIRD!!

You guys, as I sit here, in the throes of day 10, my mind is blown. 

Not only have I actually made it 10 days without cheating, stopping, or getting bored of the foods I'm eating, I've (dare I say?) enjoyed the mental challenge this has made me face. Yesterday was TOUGH. Actually, the last 2 days were tough. I left you at the end of day 8 with a blog about how I couldn't sleep enough. 

Two hours later, I was wondering if I would ever sleep again. I guess my nap was so hardcore that my body decided that it would wait until about 2 am to fall back asleep. Although I was exhausted yesterday, I held out on napping after work, and instead started getting my life in order: cleaning my kitchen, sorting my laundry, etc. Ah, it felt good to be productive! I went to bed last night, read a little in Harry Potter, then passed out. I slept, without waking up, until 5:58 this morning and felt like a brand. new. person. 

I'm too pessimistic to say that the exhaustion is over, but dang, did it feel good to wake up without any aches and pains or tired eyes. The next step is (according to the timeline) the hardest to get over. For the next three days the timeline assumes that I will want to quit. Can I just say, right now, that last night I passed the time by googling Whole30 Failure? Yes, it was helpful in keeping my mind off the no-no cupboard I have, but at the same time, I felt the urge to have a glass of wine, or juice, or anything that wasn't water. Unfortunately for my taste buds, and fortunately for me, I refrained and went to bed instead. I woke up feeling great today, so I'm going to take it as a win! 

Today I'm meeting some out-of-town friends that I haven't seen since their wedding last summer. I am hoping to stay strong and not do anything that kills my hard work - because trust me, this is hard work - but I know in the end it is just up to me to say no.  

Brownies, Wine, and Candy, oh my.

 20 days to go! 

the last four days...

Last time we were together, dear reader, I was on day 3. Dreaming of food, thinking about food, cooking food, eating food. FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD. 

I just finished my last meal of the day (so I've officially completed day 7) and I want to recap my experiences thus far. I had a challenging weekend, but we will talk about that here in a nanosecond. So far, there have been a lot of interesting things happening inside my body. Don't worry, I'll explain in the most demure way. 

1. Fruit. Fruit seems to be the magical (new) demon. Can't have too much, for fear of replacing cravings with cravings, but unfortunately, as I learned in my traveling weekend, it is readily accessible at places like QT, and most the time, my only option. I ate a ton of fruit - or so it felt. It probably wasn't enough to take up a whole paragraph, but so be it. 

Whole Foods, however, really saved my life. Not only with their fruit selection (but also, amazing how you can buy fruit with coconut pieces in it. AMAZING)! 

2. Peer Support is SO HUGE. Listen, I've told people at work about it (some like to tease me about carbs and cheese!) but it's been a pretty positive experience there. When I went to OKC this weekend, I figured it would be difficult as M and I usually eat out, drink wine, have dessert, the usual. I told him I was going to do this Whole30 thing and didn't really go into detail, but when I was telling him what I could and couldn't have I had to laugh. "You can't have CHEESE? But why?!" "No cream in your coffee?!" "Just meat and vegetables?!" By the end of the weekend, he was on my level. Of course, when he ordered a cookie I gave him the death stare, but he was really great about making sure we went somewhere we could get something to eat that we could both enjoy or just eating at home (again, Whole Foods for the win). 

3. Sleep is..interesting. I'm back to talking in my sleep. Maybe I never stopped but it's one of those things: if a bear poops in the woods, does it count? No one is here with me during the week to see if I talk or not!  I fall asleep quickly, stay asleep longer, but my body is more tired than usual. I can't figure out what that's about, so hopefully it just stops soon. I'm pretty much over it. 

4. Speaking of sleeping, DREAMS are gettin' all sorts of funky. I had a dream last night I was eating everything. I started by telling myself no (real world situation right there) and then I tried talking myself into it (also real world). As the dream progressed, I had told myself it was okay to eat _____ and that since I already gave in and quit my Whole30 I should just keep eating. In my dream, I did. I was so sad and disappointed, until I woke up and the fact that I was asleep was confirmed! Dreams get funky, and you know the cravings are still there. 

5. I can't get enough sweet potatoes. 

6. Bloating and other ailments. So, when I read the timeline, it said I would get bloated. Sure, why not? It said maybe I'd have some issues passing my food through my intestines. Sure, why not? But when Thursday and Friday rolled around,  I was rounder than a beach ball and no chance of anything escaping. It was irritating, not to mention uncomfortable. Three days later I can look back and be grateful for restrooms and a boyfriend that thinks farts are funny, but it took a minute, and I wasn't sure if I would make it out alive. Best part about that was that I wasn't hungry, LOL! 

7. Looking forward to... a glass of wine when this is over with.....alongside my sweet potatoes! 

Confession...

I never finish anything these days. 

You guys, it is incredibly frustrating. I never commit and finish ANYTHING. My big accomplishment is going to work every day. Let's be honest, that's not a huge thing to be proud of. Most adults actually go to work each day, even if they work when they get there. I'm one of those people that just has lost all sorts of drive I guess, and I need to find that spark that gets me back to who I used to be - the person I enjoy. 

I tried to do that 100 Happy Days project (something I haven't necessarily given up on - it's still a pipe dream) and I made it about 23 days. Woo, big deal. I post IG pictures every day anyway, and I couldn't even finish that? Pathetic.

I was going to yoga for a while. Loved it. Then I missed a day and never went back. I still don't understand why.  

I then decided I was going to do crossfit. I finished the elements class, but Dana and I have yet to go to an actual class because we are too scared to go hang out with all the ripped people in there. Fail. 

I don't even put my dishes in the dishwasher until the day after. Gross. I know that one is a more obvious, normal one, but bear with me. I'm trying to prove a point. 

The point is, if you don't know already, that I have a hard time getting things done. Today, after I realized that I'm just not comfortable in my own skin and with who I am right now, I decided that I have to commit to something in my personal life and stick to it. Something that is good for my health, something that might inspire me and challenge me. Something that I can be proud of that I actually finished. Cue music. 

I'm going to try and do the Whole30 for real this time.

Back in January, I started to do the Whole30 and I was real quiet about it because I didn't want to do it just to do it (same reason I didn't go to nursing school). I didn't want to be part of the crowd that was in it for the resolution (but believe me, I was). In September, I was working out a lot and actually starting to look pretty good - I was okay with what I looked like, what I felt like and knew when I was choosing to eat poorly.

Some days, I come home and I don't know what happens. I just want to eat everything. Although I've stopped baking as much to cut back on temptation, I'm still not doing the best I can and I'm making excuses for myself. I make excuses because I get lazy, and in between the hours of 7 and 9 pm, if I'm not sleeping, I'm looking longingly into my kitchen for something to snack on. Those of you that have been with me through my blogs know that it has been very challenging for me to have a positive relationship with food. I'm hoping, through these thirty days, that I can reset my system, think clearly, not wake up with migraines because I don't have an IV full of coffee, and that I can emerge as a butterfly. Tomorrow marks day 1, and I know it won't be a challenge probably until Tuesday, day 4. Stay tuned, readers. I'm determined to finish this bitch. 

mayday, mayday..

Thursday, May 1

Today's Happy Day: kiddie yoga

Days Left: 80

Today was a DAY. I'm talking, one of those days where you just look at kids and think, "what on EARTH has gotten into you?"nIt seemed like no matter what happened, I couldn't redirect my students, get their full attention or make sure they were doing their best. It is incredibly frustrating, and it leaves me exhausted by 3:15 when they get on the bus. Combine this with our state testing this week, and no one is thrilled. 

Alas, this challenge was meant to find happiness in all states of being, so my happy moment today was the last fifteen minutes of school. My students read a book on this little girl that does yoga for literacy today. In an effort to be a more balanced teacher, I wanted to let the kids experience what yoga was and how it challenged mind and bodies. 

Thank goodness for youtube, that's all I have to say. Some girl dressed in a onesie took my kids through 15 minutes of yoga today, and it was so fun to watch them. They got really into it, made funny faces and noises, and I was able to take all my stress from the day and remind myself why I teach. The days where kids throw fits, and crumple up papers, kick garbage cans, yell at you because you won't let them color....all of that goes away when you see them smile, laugh, and experience something new. Happy mayday, friends!

hoggin' up the road with my p-p-p-p-plower...

Today's Happy Moment truly made me laugh. It, again, was hard to choose. I had a wonderful day with my students, and we talked a lot about expectations in third grade. For some reason, they just love running down the hallway. It is INCREDIBLY frustrating. Regardless, we deal with it and move on.

Now, this afternoon I was really trying to get myself to the grocery store to make sure I was ready for the week and have a healthy plan in place (seriously, bikini season is coming and I am NOT READY). On my way there, I notice this guy just driving along the road on his LAWNMOWER. People, come on, this isn't something you see every day, not even in Kansas, but seriously, you could use the sidewalk and stop holding up the general public. What do I know, I don't own one!

Anyway, here's today's Happy Moment - feel free to check back for the weekend update!

Today's Happy Day: Man on a Mower

Days Left: 90!